I decided to word vomit! These are my feelings.. My thoughts and emotions. The last 39 days have been crazy... I have had many emotions through it all and couldn't ever really seem to take the time and just vent out how I really feel... So I decided to do it!
So I find that I have been posting little by little regarding Ty on facebook. Some days I feel like I write a ton and others very little.. I guess it depends on my mood and how much energy I actually have left in me! As I sit here on night 39 alone with Ty who just now falling back asleep. I sit here wishing I was home laying in bed next to my husband and thinking how great it would be if I woke up at home and ask him to get up with Ty b/c I'm to tired. How it seems like forever ago! I can recall his 1st night home.. I can still recall Tasha's 1st time home.. Both were so different and yet both had the same magical feeling! Feeling of love, joy, and excitement! It stinks b/c I can not recall the last night I slept in my bed! Or the last thing I cooked at home! I guess our minds are designed to recall werid crazy moments and yet forget others! Like child birth!! I mean we don't really totally forget but yet we can't recall it enough that here comes baby 2 and on my thats a lot of pain... why in the world did I do this... I can't take the pain this is incredible... yet baby 3 comes out. God's way of designing our brain to forget! Its amazing how I have changed myself in 39 days.. I use to be a very needy person.. Relied on Randy for everything. I use to have anixety of being alone. I have yet to stay at our house alone over night but yet I can survive 39 days in a hospital with Ty! Amazing what you are willing to change when it comes to your children. I mean yes I do still feel like there are aspects of me that need to grow up so to say.. but don't we all have a little childness in us here and there. I see that after 39 days I can do so much on my own.... But honestly... I don't want to. I want to have Randy as the person that makes it all better.. That can walk into the room and calm my heart and mind. That always makes me feel that no matter how small or how large our problem is.... it will always be fixable.. Weither we like it or not... that there is always a way we can look at the situation and seek something positive out of it.. even when you would rather just throw your hands up and just give up... But then seriously... whats the point of living. God throws something at you b/c he knows that you can handle it!!! Knows that it may take time but in the end if you trust in him and let him guide you with his hands it is possible!! I'm so tired and worn out and yet I aske him every night and morning to grant me another day of strength, courage, and understanding.. I realize that we will never have final answers b/c only the lord is a step ahead of us! But we can have peace with Trusting in him and letting him guide us! Though all of this I have never doubted our God.. But pulled him closer and held on tighter.. I have never questioned him and asked him why, in a way that most would.. Instead I try my hardest to thank him. Thank him for trusting that I can handle it. Thank him for believing that I can do it! I look at Tyus and think about what his name means... A Gift from God. I think how fitting it is.. I think of Natasha and think about what her name means.... birthday. Naming my children neither of them did I ever even look to see what the name means till after the fact.. When the birth certificate was signed. So I think of my children and I think of the meaning of there names and its so incredible on how fitting both of there names mean.. Tyus is so much a gift from God to us! We had such a hard time through out my pregnancy and there were times I seriously thought it just wasn't going to happen. After my miscarriages I never felt like it was real until I got to hold him for the 1st time. Tasha... I think of what a birthday is and what it means to me... A party... balloons, streamers, laughter and smiles.. That is my Tasha! A party! Anyone who has ever met her will say that she is a light! A joy! Someone that has this way of just making you smile and giggle!! Then I do think of my name and it means Blind... I guess you could read into that in a lot of different ways.. I read it as Blind... I think I have grown up to lose sight in things that could bring me down... I feel I am one who can let a lot go... Blink and its gone... Turn a blind eye... I try though I will be the 1st to say I do fail... but try to be blind to the hurt and focus on the love! I know everything is not always roses and sunshine... But I also know that crying and fussing about it isn't going to change it at all! Won't make it better to throw a fit about it. I have lasted 39 days b/c I except the things I cant change and changed the things I can. Like my outlook on it. I got to have 39 days to get to know Ty! I got to have 39 days to appricate the things I have outside this hospital! You tend to take things for granted.. My husband.. My bed.. My front door! The thing that is the hardest is being away from Tash so much! It breaks my heart and causes me the most pain! I try to juggle it all and have told myself on many occations that I need to step away and spend time with her and yet I can't leave Ty here... And when to her that we are leaving and she starts freaking out and crying and I ask her why.... Her reply... "mommy you can't leave Ty.. He would be so scared.. so alone.. he needs mommy right now.. you come home when he does. I can see you here! I think of that and I sit here and I cry to God on how incredible it is to have the opportunity to have one of the sweetest loving and understanding Child! Why did I do to get such a blessing from the lord! I praise the lord for my little family many times of day. As the tests are coming to an end and am told that they are to the end of what they can do.. I am not scared.. I am not nervous.. I do know we will figure it out.. Weither its now or later.. I do know that the most important thing to Randy and I is just taking him home.. Weither we find out that he is just going to be a peanut who can barely eat anything b/c he is allergic to it all... or to find that he has something that will affect his life and the way we live for the rest of our lives... He is our Ty.. Nothing has changed.. Nothing will change.. He is our Little Man.. Our TyTy.. Our Tyus! We will never know how long we have or how long our loved ones have here. Only God knows that! So each and everyday I get with the loves of my lives are treasures..
